Stop Biting

Evidence suggests up to a quarter of all children will bite others at some stage, with most parents conceding that it's one of the worst things your child could do in public. And, it can be just as alienating for you as for your child. Other parents are appalled; the poor victim has a throbbing red mark and you wish you could just sink into the ground. It’s about the most antisocial, public thing your child can do.

Reactions of other parents can be out of proportion and it’s very difficult to remain calm.

Many parents of biters complain they receive an unfair dose of disapproval – often their children have been heavily provoked. Other children have equally antisocial habits – taunting and teasing – but the biter is the one who gets the blame.

Not all kids bite, but up to a quarter of all children will do so at some stage – mostly between the ages of two and three. It is a phase that does pass – by four; most children have grown out of it. Some try the odd nip and move on, others grow into serial biters. And it’s a serious problem – not least because it hurts so much and can get your child kicked out of play school. But it doesn’t mean your child is a monster – many biters are otherwise gentle and sociable.

Why do they bite?

Not all children bite out of anger or to hurt another child – in fact young toddlers can’t really understand how much pain they’re causing. The first thing you need to ask yourself as a parent is “What is my child achieving by biting?” Think what the reward is for him or her – does s/he get a big amount of attention?”

Experts advise parents to try and see biting as a way of communicating rather than just bad behaviour – once we do that, we’ve got more choices in how to respond. Look at who they bite, when they bite and in what situations. And a tailor-made response will be more effective than a “one-size-fits-all” solution.

OUCH!!

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Experimenting:

Toddlers are learning how their body works – they put things in their mouths, and sometimes nip. It’s impulsive and they don’t mean to hurt. Sometimes toddlers nip when they’re over-excited.

Expressing emotion:

Mysteriously enough, young toddlers can bite as a way of showing love. Toddlers have intense feelings but don’t know how to show them. Biting can be a way of expressing their feelings. Mothers often don’t understand why it’s just them who sometimes get bitten.

Defending:

Young children learn to bite as a defence, especially if they can’t talk. Sometimes changes or upsets at home can bring on this type of biting. These children are trying to establish a safety zone. Imagine this: When you bite, your victim moves away – it’s a great defence.

Controlling:

Some children know biting is a way of getting other children – or their parents – to do what they want. They don’t always do this consciously. It may happen when a group of children are jostling to be leader. Sometimes the youngest child in the family bites to gain power. And as any child who’s ever tried it has learnt, biting is a fantastic way of getting attention – and so what if it’s negative?

Frustrated or irritated:

Your child wants a toy, sweet or adult attention, or can’t cope with a situation. They may not understand turn-taking and sharing. Things may have changed at home or the child feels under stress. Your child doesn’t necessarily mean to cause harm, but just can’t find the words to express themself.

How to stop it:

Always react swiftly, and keep your cool. Don’t ever bite back or hit.  Retaliation teaches them violence causes violence. Children need to know immediately that what they have done is wrong. Make sure your child also knows that you are addressing the behaviour (biting) as being bad, not them as a person.

EINA!!

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Intervene:

Ask yourself how intense and frequent bites are and what the triggers are. Act before your child has a chance to sink their teeth into anyone. Whisk your child away from the person they’re about to bite or don’t put them into large groups if that’s where it happens. Plan in advance for their behaviour. Children often clench their teeth before they bite – an unmistakable sign. Take the child somewhere quiet to calm down. If a teething child is trying out his or her teeth, find toys to chew and chomp on.

Teach them to express themselves:

When things have calmed down, try to help your child find a less painful way to express their feelings. This works well with children who are biting to try to show their affection. If your child’s expressing love, teach them to hug rather than bite whenever they feel strong emotions. If your child bites out of defence, show them how to tell somebody they don’t want him or her too close – to make the “stop” sign (a hand held up) – or even gently to push the other child’s shoulder – which won’t hurt but gives a clear message. You can also teach them to come and find you or their teacher instead if they’re angry.

Teach them it’s wrong:

When your child bites, use simple but firm words. Try, “that’s biting, that’s wrong” or a firm “no”. If you’re in a group, remove them from the situation. Explain that it hurts others and why you don’t like them doing it. Do this in a calm tone.

Reduce the effectiveness:

When children bite to gain attention, dealing with it is trickier. After the first big talking to, don’t try to continue to reason or explain. Give a firm “no”. Put your body between the victim and biter and turn your back on the biter.

Praise them for good behaviour:

Catch your child behaving well – not biting siblings, playing well in groups, not biting to get his or her way – and be generous with praise. Be specific – “good boy” becomes like water off a ducks back to them. Instead try: “how well you’re playing” or “aren’t you kind and gentle to your little brother?”

Give the victim sympathy and the biter a clear message this is an unproductive way of getting attention.

If time-out is one of your methods, now’s the time to use it. If the bite was over a toy or treat, remove it for a short while. If a child tries to control his or her mum by biting, try physically putting a part of their body in the way as they go to bite – an arm or a leg, which will stop them in their tracks.

When nothing works:

There are a number of reasons methods may not work – there may be something getting in the way of your child learning – perhaps anxiety. Some children learn at different speeds and won’t pick up on things straight away – you might just need to be more persistent.

WARNING BITING PHASE IN PROGRESS!!

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Give clear commands and be positive:

Young children can’t understand negatives, so avoid “don’ts”. Try “we keep our mouths to ourselves” instead. Try not to raise your voice and speak in a firm voice. Don’t overdo explanations: The first bite may be impulsive, but a child soon learns they get an enormous amount of attention. One of the biggest mistakes is to give the warning all over again. If they continue to bite, don’t go into why it’s wrong, just say ‘that’s biting, that’s wrong’.”

Stick with it: 

Keeping to a plan of action is more difficult than it seems. You need attention, energy, consistency and support. These methods aren’t rocket science, but need planning and determination.” Make sure all your family and carers are on the same page – young children find it hard when they receive mixed messages. Involve nursery and carers in putting a plan together.

When to ask for help:

Don’t rush to a therapist; seek help or advice first from friends and other parents, or teachers and nurseries and health visitors, who can also point you in the right direction if you want to take it further.

Try to eliminate or reduce the child's exposure to violence and abuse, including what he or she sees in the media. Give your toddler plenty of love, affection and attention every day -- not only when he bites. Let him make choices when possible, such as choosing water or milk to go with his lunch. If your toddler feels loved, noticed and important, he may not feel such a need to bite. If you think he might crave oral sensations, give him crunchy snacks.

If these interventions fail contact a Psychologist to assess your child and assist you to become an empowered parent. In serious cases a paediatrician will assist by prescribing a low-dose of neuroleptics. It seems to slow that strong emotion that gives rise to aggressive behaviour. The latter will only be effective if the source of “biting” is addressed.

Courtesy Rose-Hannah Brown Counselling Psychologist

Tel: 021-987 0111